My shiny black 458 is just a delight to own and drive, but the unwanted attention I attract literally everywhere I go can get kind of annoying. People always come up to talk to me, unwarranted, and then the questions come. "How much you make?" "How bad is the service cost?" Here's a list of 6 questions that grind my proverbial gears, not my literal gears, because the fantastic Ferrari dual clutch system is as smooth as hot butter spread across the finest silk.
1. How many Cup Holders does it have?
Listen up, Grandpa! I know you think you can cross shop this Italian piece of art with a Honda Pilot, but you can't. It doesn't matter how many cup holders there are, because I would never allow any food or drink in the first place. An errant drop of moisture could blemish this premium leather interior. Who knows the damage that your Mountain Dew Big Gulp could do? Sweat is even worse. I have to make sure any prospective passengers are freshly bathed and groomed if they have any hope of entering.
2. How do You Transport Your Children?
You fool! You maroon! You absolute lunatic! Don't even suggest that I would allow such a creature to plaster their peanut butter hands all over my most prized possession. The nanny hauls the children across town. We bought her a nice new Pacifica just for the task. I've seen the inside of that vehicle a few times, and it is the stuff of nightmares. Every visible surface is covered in a layer of slime. It's harsh, but it is the correct use of a Chrysler product.
3. Can I get a Bite of that Subway Footlong?
Every day, after doing a load of business, I sit on the park bench nearest to my Dream Wagon, and pay an errand boy to fetch a Footlong sandwich from the Subway down the street. I can't even tell you much I enjoy Subway products, and they're such a steal at 5 dollars! I would have to pay 40 dollars for a similar sandwich at some mustache and tetanus laden shop in Connecticut. Where was I? Oh yeah, so I'm enjoying my Subway sandwich in the park, and invariably, some prole will come up to me asking for a handout. "Hey howzaboutchu gimme abiteadat sandwich?" It's disgusting. Whatever happened to the days when you worked for your own exquisite meat and cheese filled bread tube?
4. What time does Seinfeld come on on TBS?
I don't know where the stereotype that all Ferrari drivers love Seinfeld came from, but it has to come to and end. I've barely seen an episode of the show. I prefer more cultured fare, such as Downton Abbey, or The Facts of Life. When you shout random Seinfeld quotes at me across the street, it just leads to confusion. I had to call the police on one young man because I took his exclamation of, "No soup for you!" for something in Arabic. By the way, why do you need to know when Seinfeld is playing on TBS? The answer is, all the time.
5. Can I hide in Your Trunk for a While?
Every now and then, an escaped convict will run up to me asking to lay in my trunk. Then I have to explain to them that this car doesn't have anything as pedestrian as a trunk. It has a frunk, or froot. Either way, the frunk is filled with golf bags and briefcases of important business documents. Then they try to shake me down, and I have to cancel another 14 credit cards. How annoying!
6. Will you watch my Dogs while I'm on Vacation?
Paul, how many times have we been through this? The less time I have to look at those feral pests, the better! And offering me 60 dollars does not sweeten the deal. I literally make more than that on my bathroom break. So, just stop asking!
You can see the 458 and other ridiculous cars do ungodly speeds in this video: