For the past few months, dying publications like Business Insider and GQ have been reporting that the ancient automaker will try and pivot towards a younger demographic. Of course, none of them actually delved into how they would make that happen, which leaves a huge opportunity for me to just make some stuff up.
When you picture a Rolls Royce dealership, what do see? I see a bunch of 50 year old Micheal Caine clones showing the new cars off to a bunch of 60 year old Michael Caine clones. Vintage jazz plays throughout the building. I'm not talking about Dean Martin, either. They're playing stuff that no one remembers. Of course, everything smells like tea. It doesn't smell like they're brewing tea. It smells every piece of furniture, clothing, and document has been soaked in it. That's the image that the 'ol Double R needs to get away from.
What Rolls Royce really needs to do is throw away the tweed jackets, and put the sales guys in jeans and flannel. Every poster and brochure should have no less than three hashtags on it. You should also make your employees refer to these hashtags in regular speech, repeatedly. That will really show the kids that you are "with it." Keep the music, but instead play up and coming acts like Taylor Swift, and the Black Eyed Peas. Replace the tea scent with, I don't know, like old books or something.
The kids are always on their phones these days. Why not tap into that? Rolls Royce should be an app first, and a car company second. RR should have it's own social network, where owners can see where their friends' drivers are taking them. Get rid of the obsolete radio, A/C controls, and turn signal stalks. Just make it all work through the app.
Another thing, why have the glovebox? Only a total loser wears driving gloves these days, so you just end up with a waste of space. Young people may hate gloves, but they love juice. I'm saying you should put a juicer in the glovebox.
Partner with Nimtendo
Have you heard about that new Super Nimtendo? If you haven't, it's too late. They were all snatched up as soon as they announced the damn thing. Now my kids are gonna be crying all Christmas.
What if Rolls Royce made some sort of hip promo deal? "Order a new Ghost, and get a Super Nimtendo, free!" Forget Sears, Rolls would be the new talk of the holiday season, and you know there are at least a couple of rich man-children out there willing to spend six figures just to get their greasy hands on the latest toy.
The Rolls Royce Foundation
There's nothing these millennials are more into than being "socially conscious" and all that hippy crap. Now, Rolls Royce doesn't exactly have the image of drum circles, and monks setting themselves on fire, but that can change. I suggest that Rolls find the five poorest villages in Africa, and donate a vehicle to each one. You should also make sure to get photo ops, of course. It may not seem like much, but every little step for these villages is a step towards self sufficiency, and who are we to say that these starving, impoverished nations shouldn't have a taste of the good life?